Loss

This week brought me face to face with one of my biggest fears: losing one of my cat best friend/soulmates. My cat Dr. Schwartz has been diagnosed with cancer and she doesn’t seem to have long. My family and I do a lot of rescue work and so we often have to make hard decisions about these pets’ lives and face a lot of loss. And while I don’t like to have favorites, Dr. Schwartz chose ME as her favorite. Even though my husband actually had her in his office for two weeks when we first got her 13 years ago, the moment we met she claimed me. I’ve never had a cat attach themselves to me and me alone. If I’m ever in my room, she is there by my side. She will look up at me purring at me when I get into bed to read or go on the internet like I’m the most treasured being on the planet. And I guess this is very narcissistic of me but the loss of that kind of love is devastating me.

I have faced a lot of loss as I said, but for some reason this one is bringing up new feelings for me. Feelings of anger (something I really don’t experience often, my go to feeling is sadness), of unfairness, of what is the point of all our time together if she just ends up leaving in the end? I spent a day feeling this way and I laid down to take a nap next to her knowing this would likely be one of the last times we would do this (and listen, I love a nap, and she ALWAYS naps with me) and once again the tears started flowing. And the thought occurred to me, “If you believe in God/an infinite Intelligence/higher power, and you DO, why would it only be responsible for what you perceive as good? You trust in this higher power, that it has your best interest at heart, so even though you don’t understand it, if you credit it for knowing what’s good and right, maybe this falls under that category even though it doesn’t feel that way.” That thought comforted me a little as I fell asleep. And then I had a dream. I was with my kids and then went into the house and I went around the back. When I got in the backyard I saw my cat Walter. He was happy and stretching and scratching on a tree. I thought, “Oh wait, this is a dream. Walter is dead.” And I went to open the door and who opened it but my (dead) mother. She looked so happy and she had a new beautiful haircut and she was just so free and happy. I thanked her for visiting me and I woke up.

I have all kinds of dreams that are symbolic (like everyone) but I know that was a visit from both of them. I feel like it was my highest power/God/whatever you want to call it, telling me it’s all good on that side. And not only that, but you can communicate with them and your connection to Schwartz will not be lost.

A couple hours later I opened the book “Dreaming the soul back home, “ and opened to this paragraph: “The veils between the worlds are getting thinner as we evolve consciously. When your psyche is rising, your dream world is going to respond. As you set the intention of being healed, your dream world evolves and what needs to be achieved is accomplished, in dreaming.”

I know this is true, and while my grief is very strong right now and the loss is huge, I also appreciate the spiritual connection I am feeling as a result of it. I can feel my heart in pain, but also opening. I can feel my connection to the other side stronger even as I fight to keep her here another day. My goal is to let go of the need to control her outcome and to just allow the experience to happen. My intention is to be open to what I will gain from it, alongside the loss. I can communicate with animals who have passed but it’s often harder for me to do it with my own pets at first because the grief blocks the communication. I feel like this time because of my intention and because of her fierce love for me, it will be different. I hope so.

Have a great week being open to all the sides of life. Lots of love to everyone.